Shanda the Immigrant

I have spent much of my time in Jamaica being very careful of what I say and how I share my experiences here. I've been reluctant as to not sound over dramatic to my Jamaican friends but then in the same breath not wanting to belittle my experience to my Canadian friends who have no frame of reference.  Just recently I was inspired to just share my thoughts and feelings when I received a letter from a friend that shared stories of her missionary experience with me.  I realized that it's okay that I feel these things and it's okay that I'm not fully Jamaican or even fully Canadian anymore.  I see life as both.

I remember the first time I went to Immigration to get permission to stay on the island long term.  I had just got married and therefore had full right to call Jamaica home.  After filling out some paper work, handing in my passport, it was done.  With a stamp my title here changed from "visitor" to "Landed Immigrant."  I never thought I would be an Immigrant.  It is kind of an "in" but not "of" title.  Like, we are letting you stay here, even though you belong somewhere else.

I've gone through my phases since being an "immigrant."  Phase one: Bewilderment of the culture.  Phase two: Loving the novelty of the culture.  Phase three: Confusion and frustration with the culture.  Phase four: Resentment of the culture.  Phase five:  Missing my culture.  Phase six: Acceptance of the culture.  Phase seven: Be the Culture.  Phase eight: Accepting that you will never be the culture but willing to submit to the culture to save your own sanity!!

Jamaica has changed me and I would say for the better in most ways.  I do feel like I really don't put expectations on anything anymore.  I mean, it will get done when it gets done and everyone will accept that it's not done.  There are things that I have got used to in Jamaica that I don't think I would want to change anymore.  One of them being the sense of community I feel here.  We have an amazing church and they are identified by their hospitality.  There is this open door feeling and I know I'm welcome into their lives as I hope they know they are welcome into mine.

Somethings I miss are simple:  I miss the general feeling of safety.  I know crime happens in Canada but it seems like death, corruption and violence are apart of the everyday life here.  If it's not happening to you, then it's happening around you or you can't help but hear of the latest on the street.   I have witnessed murders, I've seen dead people, I've been robbed by gun point, had our home and church robbed and I've witnessed corruption.  Those things have changed me also.  Yes, my desire for justice has increased but a side effect has been the toll it has taken on my thought life.  I didn't realize how much it had effected me until I went back to Canada last October.  I had gone to Starbucks to spend some time alone, reading and drinking a coffee.  I found a perfect seat by the window just before a huge rush of people came in.  It was packed in what seemed like seconds.  A man came and sat on the other side of the window outside.  I noticed him glancing in my direction several times.  I began to feel really uncomfortable, and then I felt my heart start beating out of my chest as my safety radar was going off.  Was he going to rob me, or worse, abduct me as I was going to my car??   I knew I had to get out of there.  As he was turned around, I quickly packed up my stuff, put on my coat as smooth and quick as any ninja would and I jetted out the side door running with all I had to my car.  I had already pressed the unlock key, got in and quickly locked the doors. I peered back at the place of my torture, and saw the man swiftly get up, run inside and steal my chair.  Yup, he wanted my seat!

I think I have had a severe reaction to all I have seen happen in Jamaica.  Jamaicans seem to be quite calm and collected about all that goes on around them.  They can decipher when they are in trouble and when they have to use wisdom from when they are safe.  I don't have these skills.  I have gone from a place in Canada where I don't have to lock my house doors to where I am barred in to a house with bolts and gates.  I guess I don't know where to draw the line.    I do miss the safety of my childhood, and even more I ache that my daughter won't see life the same way I did as a child.  That she probably won't ride her bike up and down the street to a neighbourhood friend.  Or that it is likely she will be confronted with the horrible things that human beings do to each other on a more regular basis.  On the other hand she will experience many more days playing on a beach.  She will also grow up with a great sense of community and belonging.  And we will prepare ourselves the best that we can to answer all her questions.

This brings me back to my friends letter:  One realization they came to as a couple was that the only safe place for us is heaven.  We can't be overcome by fear here on earth, we keep moving, living and pursuing the people that God loves so much.  We serve them, love them, give to them and that is our calling until our last breath here.  The amazing truth is that THIS IS NOT IT!!  One day we will see justice brought to this earth and it will be complete.  But we can't expect to always see it here.

Oh, and the second safest place for us, is right where God asked us to be.

My Beef with Facebook

I have been thinking about starting a blog for quite sometime.  I just had to sort through some personal issues I have with sharing information about myself.  I struggle with not wanting to be too shallow and on the other hand I don't want the masses to know too much.  I feel like a blog might be a way for me to share a little bit about my life but I can proof read before hitting the "publish" button.


The title of my first entry is a little deceiving because this is a lot more about my own feelings then it is about my dislike for Facebook.  In November of 2011 I went off Facebook because I felt like it was distracting me from more important tasks in my day.  It was only after going off that I realized the tremendous pressure that Facebook brought into my life.  I know that sounds a wee dramatic but I had this amazing sense of relief when I no longer had to keep track of the masses.  Let me explain.


When I was 18......11 years ago now, I moved to Jamaica which would have been roughly the 20th move in my life.  I came to Montego Bay to go to Bible College for what I believed to be a 4 month adventure and my beginning to tour the huge world we live in.  I didn't know at the time it was my stop.  I met my husband, and we got married almost 4 years later.  This was it, we felt like God had called us to stay on this tiny island.  I had no consistent access to my life back home.  I would pay to sit at stuffy internet cafe's with dial up slower then we can now fathom.  There were times I could afford half an hour and I spent most of that time watching the word "loading" on the screen.  It just was not a very effecient use of my time or money.  I slowly felt like I lost touch with people that mattered so much to me.  


In January 2006, Dwight and I moved to a bigger community, which seemed like metropolis in comparison the fishing village we were living in before.  Mandeville was going to be the place I finally settled down.  I knew it.  I asked God for it.  I needed a home.  We finally got internet and one day in 2007 someone told me of this amazing thing called Facebook.  I signed my life away and within days I realized the trail of relationships I had left behind.  It was incredible to come on every morning and see that someone else had found me on my island!!  Friends from Chilliwack B.C, where I spent my childhood years.  Friends from Princeton and Eckville, Red Deer and Springbrook!  Simply amazing.


Anyway I don't want to drag this out but over the years on Facebook I started to see that I was incapable of maintaining all these relationships.  I would get messages and have time just to read them before I would have to sign off and go on with life here.  I learned people don't like it when you don't reply. I have come to terms with the fact that I am an inadequate Facebook friend.  


Another reason for that great sense of releif after quitting was that it was hard for me to see life unfold in Canada and know I was missing it.  My family, my nieces and nephews, my friends having babies, or getting married.  Pictures of kids playing in parks where people don't poop in the tunnel or steal the swings.  I know that's not my life anymore but I still miss it.  As much as I thank God everyday for all he has blessed me with, there is still apart of me that is simply Canadian and there are days where I wonder what my life would be like there.  I want to be where God wants me to be and I have peace knowing that I am.  It doesn't make it easy.  


I'm writing this blog so I can share with others both near and far, a little about my life.